Memories

This couch.
This room.
This life.
How far I've traveled...
How far I've still yet to go.
I know I can't do it without You.

When I look back
At all the pictures, the pages, the quotes, the notes,
The memories that float in and out of my brain...
The pain...
I can't help but see You there
In the midst of it all
Watching
Moving
Waiting patiently
For me to notice You.
For me to let You love me.

I've been a bad lover...
A miserable, distracted, silly school girl who chases after boys like waves on the sand...
Like a girl who friend-zone's the best guy for her
Because she is blind
And yet accuses all of her crushes of being blind to her.
And pitching a fit. And taking it personally.
Yeah, that's me
To a tee.

But You just... wait.
And pursue.
And pursue.
And wait.
And gently love me back to You.

You know You will win.

You have already won my heart
Long, long ago in my room in the dark.
When a little girl turned on her bedside light
Late at night
And looked at the saints
And read the words of the Mass
And prayed the rosary as best she knew how
And knew You.

I knew peace then.
In the warm, cozy hours of the late, dark night
In the lamplight. I knew You.
Docile and wide-eyed and ready.
I knew holiness.
I knew prayer.
I knew life.

Teach me. Teach me. Teach me again
To love You like I loved You then,
Before falsity, fear, and the frightening world crept in.
I knew reality better back then
Even in my naivety, I knew You.
And You know me still.
Teach me again.
Teach me again.